Three Poisons to Relationship
There are high emotions, and there are low ones. The high emotions breed happiness in self and others. The low ones cause much suffering. Of the low emotions, jealousy, anger, and desire are three of the worst.
Jealousy – A small sense of self
Anger – A perfume that invades every corner of a life
Desire – The break between love and contentment
The first Poison – Jealousy
Jealousy is the higher toxin in love. Tearing at the heart, it breaks down dignity into tiny needles of worry, anxiety, judgment and suffering. Jealousy originates in the smallness of our sense of self, and grows to embrace our history of betrayal. Our guilt about our own past anomalies surfaces in our jealousy.
Jealousy comes from comparison. Comparison of what we expect to get from others, to what we are getting. This mindset, originates in the self obsession of measuring life by what we get, rather than what we give. The fearful person holds back, and waits for their beloved to give them what they want. In the absence of the beloved, they feed themselves. It is from this mind, lonely and isolated that jealousy arises.
Jealousy cannot exist in nature, for each plant, insect and animal is true only to it’s own instinct, which, from time to time, appears emotional and cruel, but in fact is a pure instinct for survival. The fearful person, becomes the jealous lover, and the jealous lover is operating as an animal would, instinctually defending its own sense of survival. The jealous lover, measures their existence in small bites of acceptance, they have no sense of self other than the small territorial one that comes from ownership and property. Hence their vulnerability.
Spirituality conquers jealousy, albeit temporarily, by the crucifixion of the small self, and the resurrection of the large self. The self that emerges is bigger than gratification and small territorial conquest. The spiritual self does not exist. It is everything and therefore “no thing” – the universe has no known boundary, no law and division, and this is the spiritual self. Unbounded and immense, intangible, it cannot be sold, displayed, proven nor accounted. It is simply love, and in love, there is no emotion, how can there be, there is no wall to push against, the essential requirement for all emotion.
The second Poison – Anger
What a beautiful and gifted emotion is anger. It drives change from the core, and lifts many people beyond their means. It can elevate the poor, motivate the downtrodden and inspire genius of invention through necessity. Anger lives in the soul as gun powder sits behind every bullet. And we have our finger on the trigger.
The most peaceful soul deserves anger. To feel the exhilaration and determination of anger is the sport crowd united in protest, the community determined to object, the starving African willing to live another day, the woman abused and committed to extracting justice. Yet, this anger, judged and depreciated can create its own life, deep under the pretence of religion and spirituality.
Masked, anger is the devil. It’s power can sweep the human cells to cancer, the hair to fall, the bones to decay and muscles bind up in arthritic torments. Anger penetrates the brain, and tears at sanity, causing depression, Parkinson’s and hypertension, it rips into the glandular system, thyroid, endocrine and a host of other homes where nature, eventually reveals the heat of anger, as disease.
Cramping of mind, body and spirit occurs due to stored anger. Whether that anger is the subject of a current awareness or an ancient inheritance from childhood, it permeates every cell of a persons being. Those most prone to hidden anger, lurking unaware but damaging the life within are those who obsess with self happiness, personal calm, tranquility and isolation from relationship.
Spiritual integrity requires that we sit in stillness and, rather than drive ourselves to a predetermined state that fulfills a philosophical ideal of who we should or could be (this is the obligation of religion – self improvement – global improvement) spirituality drives to the core of honesty in witnessing, without judgment, who we really are, what we really feel and the defiance of our own self imprisoning expectations of ourselves.
It is like dancing in the rain. We take religion as an umbrella to keep us dry, and spirituality to experience the true awareness of wetness. One protects us from the flu, the other dives deep into it.
In the vast majority of relationships, anger keeps lovers apart. Hidden beneath veils of sarcasm, control, possessiveness, criticism and sadness. Repressed anger rides below the waters like a shark, waiting for bait. Remember, that anger cannot arrive because of someone. Anger exists within people, it is carried like a loaded gun, and the world provokes that which already exists, to come forward and express itself. Like love, anger comes from us, not to us.
Likewise, the anger and bitterness of others comes to us as if there were a mirror shining deep within us. Nobody can do to us more than we do to ourselves. Then, if we are angered upon, instead of blame, we can invoke a change of heart. Religion cannot solve the cause of anger, only defer and prevent it’s expression. Spirituality on the other hand cannot defer or prevent anger, simply it brings us awareness of what hides within. Integrity is knowing the truth of our emotions. Duty is what we do with them.
The third Poison – Desire
Imagine a monster with a huge mouth, comparable of gobbling up everything in sight. It has a huge appetite and a distended stomach, ready and waiting to be filled. The sad thing for this monster is that it’s throat is too small to pass all that it eats. Therefore, called the hungry ghost in Buddhism, this monster is always hungry, never satisfied.
Such is the life of the average westerner. Taught to set goals, achieve anything we want, we become hungry ghosts, consuming food, people, spirituality, pleasures, sexuality, success, victory, and lovers. We are taught to become the hungry ghosts to get more out of life, to possess those we love, to wrap our arms around life and make the most of it.
Love and desire cannot coexist. Desire is an ambition to be more happy, more wealthy, more loved, more thin, more beautiful, more successful, more victorious. Desire compares what we have to what we want, it leaves no moment for peace, only moments for planning the future. This fine art of the hungry ghost is the mark of “western Success” but is also the mark of “eastern failure” – discontent, is the cause of great suffering.
Can I be happy with what I have, if I desire other things? The answer is in the art of consumption, “yes, I can be happy with what I’ve got, but only until something causes me to realize what else I could have or achieve. More enlightenment, a better yoga pose, and more. All this in the belief that one day, when I have consumed all, I will no longer be hungry for happiness.
In a relationship, emotions such as desire are often prized. One individual may translate the passion and romance of desire into love. Yet, they are unaware of the calamity such emotions carry. A person who desires, does not only desire the object of their love, their desire other loves, other fruits, other things. One’s emotional tendencies are never limited to the lover we choose, but are our pallet of colors for life. We must consider that a loving person is also loving when they are alone. An angry person is still angry when they are alone. Flowers do not emit a fragrance just because you are there. They are flowers and have perfume anyway.
In nature, the true essence of something permeates it’s entire being. Whether you want to believe it or not, if your partner can cheat in the purchase of a cup of coffee, a million dollar business deal, or just telling a family fib, they can cheat on you. If they desire you, they can desire others. What one is, one is. To love a person, spiritually, is to acknowledge this. To love a person conditionally is to demand the separation of their goodness and their mischief. Really, that separation is impossible, we are who we are, totally.
There are Three high Emotions considered to be the mark of a good person. Kindness, Compassion and gentleness. The laws of nature will argue that there are two sides to everyone. The more kind, the more cruel. The more compassion the more self absorption, the more gentleness the more aggression. High and low, mixed in one soup. The real question is: are you honest enough to admit, privately at least, that you have both?
This is authenticity. Self confession. And what is more important is that those traits you own, you can channel, express in a healthy productive way. However, spend your life in denial, imprisoned by perceptions of being high without low, and those negative traits will be expressed on you by others. Just to teach you to love.
Live with Spirit